yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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