Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
