I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
