She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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