my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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