The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
