We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
