the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
