i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
my being single is dangerous.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
