doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
She said her name was "party"
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Randomize
