Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
