I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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