I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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