I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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