seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
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The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
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I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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