life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Never underestimate the power of titties
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
