dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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