My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
