I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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