No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I need to calm my uterus...
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
