My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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