I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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