i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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