either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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