I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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