I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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