hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
