you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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