Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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