At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Randomize
