my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
