she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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