so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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