I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
