Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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