So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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