I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
