tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
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I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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