i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
