He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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