Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
