Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
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