I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize