MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
