So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
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