How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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