So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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