The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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