he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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