i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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