If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
