She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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