Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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