i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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