ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
