Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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