and you said cock pushups were impossible
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
