i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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