Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Randomize
